Monday, May 30, 2011

Oh God! What Next??

Oh there is just so much I want to talk about, but I cannot seem to get it together.  Focusing is tough.  Life has been stressful lately.  There have been, what I am now calling, the "every two weeks emergency",  since it seems that every two weeks something dramatic happens. The latest was Dad going into the hospital with double pneumonia, followed by Mom talking a fall when she decided to walk herself (she cannot walk unassisted) to the back porch.  I have been suffering with a bad sinus infection, and, only to add insult to injury, with a bout of the H-pylori virus also.  Let's toss in the stress of working my territory to assure that the state of Georgia shows well in the numbers game at the end of the year (by the grace of God, so far so good).  My most important role, as a mother, has me trying to keep my son on track in preparation for kindergarten (he is reading!).  Forget about keeping the house in order, laundry done and dinner on the table.  I feel raw, overwhelmed and slightly out of control.  I want to fix everything and make it all right.  I cannot.  That is the reality.  Sometimes I just want to drive 20 miles out of town, check into a hotel, close all the curtains and sleep for two days.  This hotel room has a mini bar by the way.
I know that throughout life, we have times of stress.  It just seems like what me, and my family are going through has moved in and made itself at home.  I am ready for it to leave.  I am not sure what has to happen, but something, and something soon.  Now, I am not telling you all this so you will feel sorry for me.  I am a big girl, and I take on these troubles willingly.  My sister and her husband have the same, if not even more stress heaped on them.  I shouldn't complain.  I feel guilty complaining.  I love my family beyond measure, and I am doing what you do when the people you love in your life are suffering.  You help.  The pain is that while I can help, I cannot change the situation.  That makes me mad.  I am so filled with anger and hurt.  My mother has Alzheimer's!  It sucks!  I cannot change what is happening, and I cry, cuss and scream. This disease permeates everything...every thought, every plan, every situation.  I have been cheated out of enjoying my mother as an older woman full of attitude and grace.  My son has been cheated out of his grandmother.  My sister's future children will never know the fantastic woman who used to kick ass and take names with her a gentile southern accent and sweet smile.  Most of all, my wonderful father is cheated out of enjoying his retirement with the woman he fell in love with his junior year of high school, circa 1958 or so.  I want to shoot a big middle finger out into the cosmos...but then I realize that it isn't just me going through this.  I share my hurt with my sister, my father, my aunts, my uncles..and we find strength in our love for my mother, and for each other. That is a blessing.  I share my hurt with God too (when I am not arguing with Him).  I know that with His grace, I will get through this, and that at some point, all of us will come to find peace. 

Hey!  What is this?? None of you knew that I was a believer did you?  I did not come by it easily.  I do not have blind faith, but have much respect for those who do.  I tend to challenge and ask too many questions.  My God must be really bored with me right now.  We seem to be arguing about the same thing over and over.  My faith is personal.  I am not one for organized religion, or even specific denominations.  I respect all religions and the right for anyone to believe and worship as they wish (that includes you non-believers too).  Live and let live is a great practice.  God is love (to me).  God is nature (my mother's mantra). God is the strength in which we get through things.  I don't picture God and a bearded man looking down from above in flowing robes, although some of my favorite art depicts Him as such.  When I traveled in Italy, I started believing in a higher power.  I wasn't sure what that was though. What I saw and experienced there left me open for something.  When I lost my sweet cousin to breast cancer 4 years ago, I started arguing with "something".  I talked a lot to this "thing".  I was knee deep in conversations and did not realize that I actually had started a relationship... with God. That was a staggering realization.  I know now that I was searching for something to help me make sense of the loss.  I still have not come to terms with it, but I do know that these conversations have helped. I refer to God in the male sense out of habit, although I am not convinced of that. I think that God is so immense that we cannot even begin to fathom what He looks like.  Heck, He might just be the homeless guy at the exit ramp of University Drive that I sometimes hand a buck or two. Also, I think that God likes musical theater, which is part of why we are starting to get along better these days. That is just how I believe though.  We are still getting to know  each other, God and me. 

So, yes, things suck right now.  We have to get my parent's house ready to sell.  We have to move my mother somewhere that can help her and care for her better than we do, without making her feel like we have dumped her in a nursing home.  That is tricky.  Dad needs to be in a safe place, but an independent place,  He deserves to have a life.  My son needs to fine tune his handwriting, and I need to lose another 5 pounds. I am having having hot flashes a lot now.  It is summer, and we will get through this.  I will work though the rage that has recently consumed me, and I will also make peace with the cosmos.  I got to tell you though, I think that the Almighty really likes these arguments we have.  He is a button pusher that one.

Love - JennXO

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